Traditionally, workplace policies are dull, often unread, documents used by employers to convey expectations of employee behaviour.

If recent events are any guide, certain policies may have to be changed.

Recently a “New Yorker” reporter was suspended after he masturbated (yes, really) during a Zoom video call with colleagues. Apparently he didn’t realise his camera was on. “I thought no one on the Zoom call could see me. I thought I had muted the Zoom video”. Muted the video… huh?

If this is the baseline we are working with, I don’t think it will be enough for future video-conferencing policies to simply say: “Assume the camera and sound are always on”.

Policies are going to have to be very prescriptive in order to protect employees from sexual harassment, anguish, and themselves.

So, I have rounded up some of the “Class of 2020” and drafted a potential policy…


  1. Do not do anything during a video-conference that you would not do in person.
  2. Assume everything you say and do in a video-conference will end up on YouTube.
  3. During a video-conference do not:

a. Masturbate – (search: “soon to be former New Yorker writer”)

b. Have s*x – (search: “Philippines Government Official Caught having S*x on Zoom”)

c. Shower – (search: “Man Takes Shower During Video Call with Brazilian President, Forgets to Switch off the Camera”)

d. Get changed – (search: “Mexican Senator accidentally goes topless on Zoom meeting”)

e. Go to the toilet – (search Poor Jennifer! Zoom bathroom video meeting blunder goes viral” – no I am not the “Jennifer”!)

f. Become a potato – (search: Boss Accidentally Conducts Zoom Meeting As A Potato”). [Actually, that was hilarious. Become a potato, if you want to].


Take Away Point: If you conduct video-conferences alone, with your hands above the desk, with your clothes on, and away from bathrooms, everything should be just fine.

Subscribe To Our Newsletter


Sign up to my mailing list for my practical & funny fortnightly workplace newsletter.

You have Successfully Subscribed!